


All Kinds of Wrong

by Disciplineiskey



Series: My Best Film Ruined My Life [2]
Category: Call Me By Your Name (2017) RPF
Genre: Angst, Armie thinks Timmy will get over it, Armie’s POV, Falling In Love, Getting Together, M/M, age gap, but he can’t get over it, does that sound familiar? @Oliver, unattainable love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-11
Updated: 2020-08-23
Packaged: 2021-03-03 18:47:14
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 2,684
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24660280
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Disciplineiskey/pseuds/Disciplineiskey
Summary: And along the way he playfully pecked me on my cheek, then my jaw, then my mouth, which shouldn’t have happened because it was just a blocking exercise. But in Créma sometimes film and reality blended into one another, sometimes I’d feel like I was in an alternate universe because how can everything and anything be so perfect? His lips were perfect, his skin was perfect, his hair, his T shirt, his fingers on my neck and nose pressing into my skin...I was Oliver, or so I believed.Set in the same universe as I Didn’t Choose To - Armie’s side of the story. More angst than Timmy’s POV, but all will be well.
Relationships: Timothée Chalamet/Armie Hammer
Series: My Best Film Ruined My Life [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1783030
Comments: 13
Kudos: 55





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Hi! I’m back with Armie’s side of the story of how they eventually got to where they are. I didn’t originally plan to write this but a comment made me wonder...shoutout to @hendricksplease! 
> 
> This took me a long time, because Armie’s side feels more painful to me. In my story they both struggled in different ways, but Armie being the older one with more baggage had an internal struggle that I think many might neglect bc of how he looks on the outside. So this was very painful for me to materialize, and I hope you like it🥺
> 
> More to follow!

He was so young. Only 20. 

I was 20 once, but he was nothing like me at 20. When I was 20, I was as stubborn as hammered iron (pun intended), I was angry, lost, alone. I had a headstrong agenda to prove myself.

But he was soft, innocent, he accepted people into his world with an unguarded openness that made me jealous. To make it worse, he looked so breakable, he looked 17 instead of 20, every bit a boy. Actually you could still make a strong case of him as a 17 year old at 25, with the right hair and wardrobe, and a slight pout of his mouth. 

I think that was why he was drawn to me, he was too young. I felt it during the shoot, hell he was too easy to read. We spent too much time together in that idyllic little Italian town. I told myself it was ok, I was just hanging out with my costar whom I had to get intimate with, it helped that I enjoyed it. Damn me. 

I didn’t think I fell for him back then, I just felt guilty, like maybe I’ve led him on. All those weekends we biked around town getting gelatos, and the nights we curled up on the couch watching Mike Tyson documentaries, he would casually put his feet over my calf on the couch sometimes, and I let him, because that’s how he was. And I thought maybe the characters bled into us too, it was a comforting thought. 

And the rehearsals, we’d told everyone we only had one rehearsal, and we weren’t lying, we only had one with Luca, the private rehearsals we had in our apartments we never talked about. It had felt too private, no, that’s not the right word, it was for work so it shouldn’t feel that way, we were just blocking out intimate scenes. He’d climb into my lap to figure out the best position to kiss, to make it special, make it one of the iconic kiss scenes that people would talk about - his words. And along the way he playfully pecked me on my cheek, then my jaw, then my mouth, which shouldn’t have happened because it was just a blocking exercise. But in Créma sometimes film and reality blended into one another, sometimes I’d feel like I was in an alternate universe because how can everything and anything be so perfect? His lips were perfect, his skin was perfect, his hair, his T shirt, his fingers on my neck and nose pressing into my skin...I was Oliver, or so I believed. 

I knew I loved Elizabeth, she was my partner in crime, ride or die, which didn’t explain why during the promo I felt so horrible. He said he had a hard time separating himself from Elio after the shoot ended, then he caught himself and pressed his mouth shut, looking like he’d said too much with an unmasked sorrow. He looked over at me and quickly looked away, letting out a nervous laugh and trying to feign casualness, but failing at it. And right there I felt my heart break. 

It was all wrong, I had hurt this pure, unarmed kid. I felt like someone had reached inside my chest and wringed my heart dry of blood. 

I didn’t know how I walked out of that screening. How I had to act casual with him after that. It feels like a hangover memory now, where everything was a blur and I was watching things happen from the outside. I was dissociating just so I could not be a complete mess.

It wasn’t uncommon for an actor to be too immersed in their character and need time to come back to themselves. I needed time, but I knew that was part of the job. And I knew the kid had grown attached to me, but he was just a kid, he feels strongly but he forgets fast too. Exclude the health mishaps (which I’m still angry with him and Felix about), he seemed entirely fine when he stayed with me during Beautiful Boy, so why did those sorrowful eyes feel like a stab to my heart? 

Suddenly I felt 20 years old again, lost, angry, confused. I’ve spent so long trying to find my footing in life, I went for the things I wanted, no matter how difficult or unattainable they seemed, and made big decisions early because I wanted to take a hold of the good things when I can. I thought I had it all figured out by 30, and now I’m right back at square one, all because of a kid. 

For a time I thought maybe I was right, I thought he had moved on and forgot about me. He shyly told me he really liked Maika, and I had the guts to act like a cliche frat boy telling him who wouldn’t? I hated myself. And hated him. Except I don’t think that’s possible, I was more annoyed with myself than anything else. I wished he didn’t tell me. Was this what Oliver was afraid of? I really hated that Call Me By Your Name turned out this way, I wanted to challenge myself in an arthouse film, I didn’t sign up to have my heart broken because I was becoming my character. 

I had to get away from him. He didn’t need me, so why bother? It was just a job, and it’ll pass like any other work relationship did.

We saw each other occasionally at events, and that was bearable, I had always been good at pulling away, back to what was right, expected. And he seemed like he was thriving, both career wise and in love. It didn’t work out with Maika, he said, I didn’t ask about Lily, it was none of my business, like I said, I’m very good at keeping in my own lane, usually it’s because I don’t really care, but this time it was because I cared too much. 

At that point I had resigned on denying my feelings, but there was nothing to do about it, he was young and beautiful, he could have anything in the world. I’ll be just a forgettable name in his distinguished filmography. And it’s not like I didn’t have my own baggage, Elizabeth had noticed, what, I’m not sure, but we hadn’t been the most loving couple in a while. 


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> To the 2 people that had read this, I’m sorry this took so long. A lot has happened and I had recently just found the inspiration to write, and I know this is a short chapter, but I’m really please with how it turned out. The rest should come soon since we’ve gotten through the hardest part!! After I’m done with this one I can finally focus on the coming out story! Yay!

I thought about him constantly. The more I saw my picture perfect life, my flawless wife with her flawless makeup, my beautiful children with coordinated outfits, the more I felt suffocated.

I knew I didn’t love Elizabeth anymore, and that thought killed me. I’ve become another stereotype, falling out of love because of a younger lover. Except we weren’t lovers. And I somehow had hurt all of us without doing anything, I had hurt them  _ because _ I did nothing.

I had to get out of that life, away from the perfection that trapped me. I chose projects that took me far away, and she visited less, not because she didn’t want to. 

I felt embarrassed being around her, I was scared of my growing dislike for her. I wasn’t sure if the perceived ugliness in her wasbecause she really changed, or because I was trying to find excuses for my betrayal. 

There was no one I could talk to, I couldn’t risk ruining everything for him. Hollywood talks, and no one can know.  _ God _ I sound like my mother.

Sometimes I was mad, at whom I don’t know. I felt like leaving him, leaving Crema, took away something profoundly precious in me. Making that film was the best thing I’ve ever done, both career wise and personally. With him and Luca, I experienced an emotional openness and vulnerability that I was never allowed before, and it just made me even madder because it wasn’t until it ended did I realize that, I shouldn’t have only discovered what that level of intimacy could mean, on a fucking film set, for a job. 

I’ve said it in front of hundreds of people and I’m not afraid to say it again, I wouldn’t trade Crema for anything in the world. Those memories were sacred. And if I couldn’t hold on to anything real in my life, at least I had that.

We went for years avoiding the elephant in the room, until he couldn’t. 

When I think back on it, it was as if suddenly all the stars aligned and things fell into place exactly as they should. He came to me when I needed, wanted him the most, but also hopeless more than ever. I was thinking that I was too late, years too late for his affection. Whatever I was doing with my marriage, it wasn’t done on the assumption that I’d have a happily ever after with him. I’d finally admitted to myself that I’ve fallen out of love and that was it. I tried my best, but I couldn’t let myself live a lie anymore, it was exhausting.

There I was, a sad, defeated man in the process of separation, mourning the end of his family and his missed chance at love, when the young French boy came swooshing in, in tears and hands as shaky as mine, rambling about pap walks and hidden feelings and how sorry he was. About how he hates Hollywood for making him lose himself and it was all too much, couldn’t stand knowing I was in town and having to stay away, couldn’t stand bottling it all in anymore. And about how sorry he was, relentlessly.

To say I was shell shocked was an understatement. We’d make a great scene if this were a movie — him hyperventilating in tears and me completely frozen in shock, we were like two emotionally incompetent children, staring at each other like idiots after his outburst. 

He was beautiful even there, desperate, frantic eyes and flushed cheeks, messy curls framing his tear-streaked face. He’s grown so much, so much more mature from when we first met. His cheeks more prominent, jaws more defined, soft, childlike features morphed into a mesmerizing young man. And he was telling me he’s loved me all this time. 

Nothing felt real, the only real thing was my all-encompassing desire for him. 


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The elephant(s) in the room are all dealt with.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Still fiction!

“Say something.” His reddened eyes, pleading and vulnerable, pink and green.

His slender fingers, clutching to his own arms, tense and pale.

His pink hoodie and faded jeans, wet lashes from crying and red lips from him biting himself. I don’t deserve this. Him. 

I finally stand up and pull him into a hug. He freezes for a second, then slowly slumps against me, rubs his face in my chest, as to wipe his tears off. He lets out a deep breath, starts chanting, “I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you...” like a mantra, softly, tenderly, like it’s the only words he knew. I couldn’t take it anymore, I scoop him up and take him into my lap, I bury myself into him. I need this. I’ve needed this for so long. 

I don’t deserve him, but I’ll take it. Whatever the Almighty messed up to make this happen, I hope He never finds out, let me hold him in my arms and let me die there.

I feel him running his hand through my scalp, “So...what’s the verdict?” 

I squeeze him tighter, “What would make you happy?” 

“You.”

“Then you have me.”

“Okay.”

We sit wrapped in each other in silence for a while, not wanting to end this moment of utter contentment. But finally I pull back and take one more look at him, “Are you absolutely sure?” 

His face changes from bittersweet happiness to anger in one second, as if I’d insulted him. 

“I just want you to be sure, Tim.” I paused, “I’m getting a divorce.”

It’s his turn to be dumbfounded.

He withdraws his hands and shifts off of my lap, sitting right next to me. He stares at me for a while, then buries his face in his palms. 

“Oh my god.”

“Yeah.” I reply with a shrug, feeling weirdly light at this point, like I’ve smoked weed.

“I’m so sorry, I...fuck. This was _not_ what I was hoping for when I came here. I...”

“Tim, it’s ok, we just, it had ran its course.”

He glances at me, still unsettled, “Was it because of me?”

“No.” I shake my head. Maybe a part of it, the part where I fell in love with him, but maybe I had fell out of love with Elizabeth first. Either way, it’s on me. 

“ _Armie_.”

“Tim.” I imitate him.

He looks at me in an exasperated way, not what I expected, but again I don’t really know what to expect.

“I was ready to...when I came here, I was ready to, I don’t know, be ‘the other woman’, or something. I know it’s shameless, but never for one second did I dare to think of breaking up your family.” He bites his bottom lip. “I’m so sorry.”

“Stop saying that.” I reach out for his hand, I don’t know how to tell him to not carry this burden with me, because this feels like all the cliche stories I’ve heard before, and I’m scared as hell.

“It’s not your fault, you have to know that.” I grasp his hand firmly now, as if this way my words will get through to him. “You _have_ to know, because it wouldn’t work if you don’t.”

“What do you mean?”

“If you carry this guilt with you - which shouldn’t be yours to carry - but if you do, we’d always have this...this thing, between us. It will haunt you whenever we have an argument, or misunderstanding. You’d start resenting me for doing this to you, and one day you’d stop loving me.” 

“I won’t. I’d never.” 

“You will, and I won’t be able to live with that, can’t bear the thought of your resentment.”

“I’ve resented you plenty.” He smiles sardonically.

I don’t know what to say to that.

“I know what’s good for me, trust me.” He finally looks me in the eyes. “I...it was a shock, Armie, that’s all. I know what I want, and...in the risk of sounding shameless, a part of me is happy. I probably shouldn’t feel this way, and I’m truly sorry for what I’ve caused you and your family, but I’m a little happy that there’s a possibility this could work out.” 

“I never dared to dream of this either.” I lean back and rest my head on the couch, gazing at his beautiful eyes, what i meant to say was, thank you. Thank you for coming into my life, for loving me although I still don’t see why, for not giving up and for coming back to me, doing what I wasn’t brave enough to do. It’s a debt I could never repay, I owe him my life, and am willing to give him anything he wants.

He’s in the same position, resting his neck on the back of the couch, smiling when he asked, “Come to my premiere?”

“When is that?”

“In a few days, as my plus one.”

I chuckled, “And give Nicole and Evelyn a heart attack?”

“Why not?” He shrugs, “I miss you. And I’m tired of...of them keep pushing Lily and I together, I’m so fucking tired. I’d be so happy if you can be there...” He’s using Le Pout now.

“Okay.”

“For real?” He all but jumped into my chest.

“Well, it’s not like I have anything better to do...Wait, oh yeah I’m shooting a movie.” He sends a death glare my way, “But I’ll move things around.” I add.

“I can’t wait. It’ll be like practice!” He says.

“Practice for what?”

“For when we actually go to premieres as each other’s date.”

And that’s the moment I knew I was as deeply in love as our last day in Crema

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We know Armie didn’t end up going to the premiere but in my mind this is how the planning happened, again I’d love to know what you think! ❤️


End file.
